Okay, maybe not forgotten so much as put them aside only to come back and rediscover them and feel joy at the rediscovery.
I have this project I keep procrastinating about for the blog and I find myself dabbling at time doing research for it. In the course of my travels I came across this and really it’s just amazing. The sad thing about this is that such a creative person was battling the very thing that made him so amazingly creative… himself.
We see this across history, it’s really gruesome. The other, the outsider, the feeling of being alone that allows someone to have an ability to take a look at the world around them and capture something many feel but can’t put into words. The thing that’s horrible that this person didn’t understand is just how many other people felt like he did and he really wasn’t alone at all.
So, I ask you to watch this and take in the beauty of it. There’s a simplicity that is absent from a lot but the simplicity here only manages to clearly display the strength of the music and the message:
The raw quality of his voice and the emotion that comes through is just stunning. Mind you… 139 days after this performance, this man would eat a shotgun killing himself. How sad is that? He was in pain and he felt that nothing could help him, he turned to drugs and still the emptiness inside of him was doing its best to swallow him whole.
This is very similar to depression, the hopelessness that seems all consuming and what’s horrible is what didn’t happen. People around him DID love him. People around him DID want to help him. People though have a problem with mental illness though, as if it were contagious, as if it were something the person could just FIX!
Here is what Cobain left behind, again… in my book I honestly wished he had held out longer and gotten the right kind of help but that help likely would have meant taking quite a long break from the thing that was his world, his band and his music. I wish he had taken the time out to step back because he likely had a lot more to give the world. I just want to say as someone who has dealt with this kind of a struggle my entire life that if you are suffering in this way, go out and find someone… a professional to talk to. Read about what’s going on inside of you and work on your own inner voice and thought processes. It never really goes away but you can at least make it so you don’t feel as if you are inundated by the high tide and drowning.
To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complainee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I havent felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words about these things.
For example when were back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins It doesnt affect me the way in which it did for Freddy Mercury who seemed to love, relish in the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I cant fool you, any one of you. It simply isnt fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if im having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch in time clock before I walk out on stage. Ive tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do, God, believe me I do, but its not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when theyre gone. Im too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.
On our last 3 tours, Ive had a much better appreciation for all the people Ive known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. Theres good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why dont you just enjoy it? I dont know!
I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what I used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I cant stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that Ive become.
I have it good, very good, and Im grateful, but since the age of seven, Ive become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. Im too much of an erratic, moody baby! I dont have the passion anymore and so remember, its better to burn out than to fade away.
peace, love, empathy. Kurt Cobain
Frances and Courtney, Ill be at your altar. Please keep going Courtney, for Frances. For her life, which will be so much happier without me.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!
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